Legs, The Ramparts, and Saddam Hussein

If I were to switch places with anybody... Hm... Burrito Man. Why you ask? Why not. Burrito Man is all powerful, and can have a ton of fun. I'd probably only be him for about a day, because I'd be delicious, and eat my legs. Here's the story.
I woke up this morning, and the sun was gone. I turned on some music to start my day. I realized suddenly I was in a different place when the music I heard was country. I jolted out of bed, and realized that I was leaking. Not in the sick grotesque way, but in the delicious greasy way. I realized that was no longer a human. I was ground beef in a flour tortilla. I cavorted with joy, because I heard the stories of Burrito Man, and I knew that he could do nearly anything. But then I found out the hard way that I couldn't fight crime (crime being my only weakness). This obviously made me rather depressed, so I began to wander the streets looking for a purpose. The time was 11:00 AM. After a few more hours I became hungry and I began to make for home. When I got there I was shot by my father for breaking into the house. It still smarts. If only he knew that I was Burrito Man. An hour passed and I was still starving. And then the thought came to me. I'm Beef! So my self destructive behaviors began. I ate my feet. I tasted exquisite. I needed more. So I sat on the sidewalk until 5:00 PM eating myself,until I had no legs remaining. This was a pretty upsetting reality. I dragged my carcass to the hospital/auto shop. I did not receive a warm welcome. I was leaking to much on the carpet. The surgeon grease monkeys poured a gallon or gasoline on my Mexican torso, and lit me on fire. After watching me burn for roughly 42.4 seconds, they began to feel more sorry for me, and doused me with water. They kicked me out onto the street, exclaimed "Good Riddance!", and hung a 'NO BURRITO'S WELCOME" sign. The sign they sported began to make me question equality in the USA,and I became even more depressed. I dragged my burnt beef body to the drug store, and purchased enough sleeping pills to OD on. The time was 11:59. As I began pouring all the medication into my body, I found myself in my real bed, legs and all. Sadly I had retained the ability to leak a greasy substance. I went on to become a hotshot stockbroker, and lived happily ever after, mainly Peter Parker, but always Burrito Man!